Over the last couple days I’ve had some wonderful opportunities to look at what fear really is. Not fear as in “oh someone’s got a gun to my head” fear, but the kind of fear that keeps us from doing the things we want, accomplishing our goals, and living our best lives.

I’ve had a couple clients over the last couple days who are just completely stuck. They are so stuck they can’t take any action, or make any movement.

When we started digging around into why they are stuck, the same thing kept coming up. I’m afraid. Now one of them said that out loud ~ I’m scared to death of screwing this up. The other was a little more subtle, but the bottom line was the same. Fear was keeping both of them from moving forward.

When we started talking about their fears I noticed something very interesting.

They were worried about things 5 miles down the road.

Yeah. They weren’t worried about the task in front of them, the first thing they needed to get done to move forward. They were deathly afraid of something 10 or 15 steps down the line in this project.

Is there something to fear in this very moment?

It reminded me of myself and my fear of the dentist. I used to be absolutely phobic of the dentist. Even pulling in the parking lot would give me a panic attack. Not sure where it came from, but I soon realized I was not afraid of what was going on in that very minute but of the possibilities that could arise in the future.

I wasn’t scared of the parking lot. No, I was scared of the needle, and the drill, and the heaven knows what else that crazy dentist guy is going to do to me while I lay in the chair absolutely helpless to defend myself.

Well… I decided I wanted to have a baby. My husband told me I had to get all my dental stuff taken care of before I got pregnant ~ because being pregnant can already mess with your teeth and he wanted me as healthy as possible.

I wanted a baby really bad, so I made an appointment.  As I got in my car (an hour away from the dentist’s office) and started to feel a panic attack coming on I said to myself. “What’s going on right now? Right here? Am I ok right now, right here?” and low and behold I was just sitting in my car, like I do a couple times every day. I was in no pain, there’s was nothing to be afraid of in that moment.

I did this all the way to the office. I did it the whole time I was waiting for my name to be called. Still there was nothing to be afraid of in that moment. I was just sitting on a comfy couch reading a magazine. Then my name was called. I kept saying that to myself through the entire thing. Each minute, by each minute identifying whether or not THIS was the moment I had been so panicked by.

Turns out ~ with the help of a very good dental hygienist I realized there was not one moment that was something to be afraid of.

While getting over my fear of the dentist may seem like a big thing, and it was, it got me thinking about how much of my life I miss from fear.

• Do I spend my afternoon not involved completely because I worry about the struggle at bedtime?

• Do I not start a project because I don’t know if it will be successful?

• Does my business not go to the next level because I don’t know how I would manage all the money?

• Did I almost not send my daughter to preschool because I was afraid she’d get kicked out?

• Did I almost not sign up for the 35 mile bike ride I did last year because I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to finish?

Overcoming Fear

I have to tell you… I’m a bit of a control freak and it irritates and aggravates me when something has control over me. Whether it’s cigarettes, or pop, or fear. Here are some things I’ve done to help kick fear’s ass and continue on with my life.

1. When I’m not accomplishing something I want I stop and look around. I really dig into what is keeping me from doing what I want to do. Sometimes there’s an element of fear involved, sometimes there’s not, but identifying the road block is key.

2. Ask questions. What’s the worst that could happen? What are the chances of that actually happening? What would happen if that did happen? Then what? Then what? Whittle it down to the very bare bones of the issue and see if it’s really anything you actually need to be afraid of.

3. Stay in the moment. This is the biggest one. Stay in the moment. Is what you’re doing RIGHT NOW, this very instant going to cause the collapse of the western empire. Doubtful.

4. Will it matter in 5 years? I must confess I do find myself getting worked up over seemingly important things, but when I take a minute to look at it with some perspective I realize it’s not that important at all. Getting worked up gives me a “worthy” excuse to stay stuck. Expect more from yourself. Don’t let yourself get away with staying where you are over something that doesn’t really matter in the long run.

5. Just do it. Sometimes, there are things I am afraid of, and I don’t want to do. I’m not sure what’s going to happen. I don’t know if I will be a success. AND then I just do it anyway.

Success doesn’t happen in your comfort zone. If it did the entire world’s population would be successful ~ sometimes you have to push yourself. You have to just say F the fear and do it anyway.  While those are some of my scariest days they are also some of the most satisfying and they are the ones  I remember years down the road.

Are you ready to kick fear’s ass and move forward in your life? I’d love to know your tricks for conquering fear. Feel free to share them in the comments section!

Related posts:

1. How Judgement Is Throwing Your Life Out of Balance
2. 5 Easy Ways to Destress Yourself

Last week I got into a bit of a boxing match with judgment and managed to give myself a good beating about all that I am not ~ or at least thought at the time I was not.

Over the weekend it seemed like everyone was annoying me. I found myself saying to myself after an interaction with someone “What makes you think you know what I need more than I do?” It was the theme of the weekend, showing up from different sources on different topics.Here’s just a few examples:

• Hanna had a pain in her foot. My mom decided she’s got growing pains, and I’m not giving her enough calcium and need to give her more.

Didn’t ask how much calcium she’s already getting, or even ask Hanna any questions to see if that’s really what the problem may be.

My answer… “What makes you think…”

• Talking to hubby about getting new pedals for my new bike so I can get used to the bike before I go clipless.

His answer: You need to get clipless pedals, studies show… yada yada yada husband speak.

My answer… “what makes you think…”

• Friday night my mom took Hanna to Elmo Live ~ I was looking forward to a nice dinner and quiet evening with hubby. Mom harps at me about going to dinner and a movie, normal couples go out, yada yada yada mom speak.

my answer… “what makes you think…”

Ended up going to a very LOUD bad movie when all I really wanted was some silence. Silence is at a premuim around here lol.

There were plenty more, but I’ll spare you all the details.

So what.

How does any of this affect you? or me for that matter, other than being aggravated a good part of the weekend?

Here’s the scoop, and I didn’t realize it until I was talking with a dear friend yesterday morning.

Friday thoughts of mine: I suck, I can’t do this, I can’t do that, I can’t even figure out how to create a rythm, I can’t figure out what I want to be important in my life etc etc.

Universal message received over the weekend…  “You know plenty about what you want and need!”

Over the weekend I was given many instances and opportunities to stand in my knowing. To recognize and realize I do know what I want, I do know what I need. My life is my own and I even though it’s not perfect (ha ha) I DO know what I need and what I want.

Sometimes, heck it seems pretty much every time, someone or something is annoying me it is really a message from my greater self to myself. It’s an opportunity to rile up those emotions from the opposite side of where I may be standing so I can take a look at what’s going on.

It’s a mirror.

Face front and take a look. Here’s where you are standing, here’s some other things you can look at.

So what do you think?

Once you tune into what’s going on, it’s pretty difficult  to come out of a weekend filled with that many mirrors and still be standing in a place of “I can’t” or “I’m not enough”.

Instead of getting annoyed I really should thank all the annoying people in my life! However, I always forget that. I really do. I know it’s how things work, and yet I always forget. I get lost in everyone’s just trying to drive me nuts.

I urge you to notice if you find yourself using the same phrase/thoughts in response to interactions with other people. If you do, it’s probably not them, but a message from your higher self to you, to look at the situation.  Taking some time to look at the thing that is “irritating” (as in causing friction) you and how it is relevant or fits into other areas of your life where you’re not feeling good/comfortable/enough may be just the thing to get you over that “not enough” feeling (or anything else that may be going on with you).

Once you can see how many ways you ARE enough (by way of situations brought to you that may irritate the hell out of you) it’s much easier to let go of the belief you were previously holding.

*** The way things show up ~ irritate me ~ bother me ~ may not be how things show up for you. But I assure you, things are showing up for you. Take a moment to notice patterns of thoughts going on, especially after you’ve been down on yourself about something… I bet it’s you trying to help you!

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this and any experiences you’ve had that helped you overcome a belief that was holding you back. Please feel free to share them in the comment section!

Related posts:

1. 5 Easy Ways to Destress Yourself
2. How Judgement Is Throwing Your Life Out of Balance

So… I’m going along la di da thinking life is great and I’m getting a handle on all this and then suddenly wham. I read a couple new blog posts on a couple of my favorite blogs and I’m suddenly feeling like a terrible mother and person.

What the heck?

How does it go from okie dokie to totally suck in less than an hour?

Judgement. That’s how.

So here are the posts ~ they are excellent actually. The first was about big rocks, and the second is about creating a routine and rhythm in your family. As I read both of these posts I began to think things like “oh man, that’s what I want to be like”, “oh that’s what’s missing from our family”, “oh I don’t even know what my big rocks are”, “oh man I suck”, “oh man, I’m gonna ruin my kid” and it just goes downhill from there.

At which point I got depressed and realized it was lunch time so I went to the kitchen to make us some lunch. I started to notice my thoughts. I noticed a lot of thoughts that included the word “enough”. Not this enough, not that enough, not good enough, not there enough, not present enough, not organized enough, not clean enough. … I could go on, but I’ll spare you.

As I’m cooking up some bowtie pasta I start to think about what all these thoughts really mean, and what they reveal to me. You know, well maybe you don’t, me and this “enough” thing have had a long relationship. In fact, there was a point in time a couple years ago where I threw it out. I just refused to allow the word/thought of enough into my vocabulary, into my life. Life was a lot different then. I’m not sure why I ever let it back in the door. Hmmm… might be something to think about!

Enough is a little word that has enormous consequences. It is a word that is all about judgement. Nothing else. Enough is all about beating yourself up, and feeling bad about who and where you’re at right now in this moment. Enough does not lead us out of ugly places, it digs our holes even deeper.

I know this. I know this. I know this. And yet I succumb.

So as I’m stirring bowtie pasta and setting up the 8 milk jugs waititng to be recycled for Hanna to play super bowling with I think about what it is I do want. Where I want to be, what I want for our life and what I can do to make it happen. I start to think about what it is that I think I am not “enough” of, where I spend my time and energy I apparently think should be going to other places, and what if anything I can do to change the situation.

Wallowing in enough will not change anything. It will be focused and honest looking at what’s going on in my life and around me that will bring change. Some honest assessment of changes that I want or need to make, and then creating a system or a plan to help that happen.

While I know this in my head, it is so easy to put myself up against other people’s realities, or at least my perceptions of them, and of course I come out the loser. It’s so easy to see what I classify my shortcomings, or where I’m not perfect. Well hell, who is perfect. No one.  I know that, and in this moment, knowing doesn’t really change anything.

End the wallow. Here’s the plan.

1. Identify some of my big rocks. The things that are the most important things in life.

2. Identify what I REALLY want in my life, what I want my day to day world to look like

3. Create an editorial calendar to make it happen (lol ~ it works on my blog!! Why won’t it work in life?)

While I’m being a little silly about the editorial calendar, it’s a good thing to loosen up with this stuff, and it’s the truth as I see it that knowing what I want or what’s missing right now is a good first step to creating a life that looks more like what I want it to be.

How to make that happen in everyday life, well, that’s another post for sure.

I’d love to know how you deal with your personal judgments. How do you figure out your big rocks? How do you fit it all in the day? Big questions… if you’ve got some answers feel free to share.

Related posts:

1. Creating a Vision
2. Are You Ready To Kick Fear’s Ass?
3. Annoying People May Be a Message… Are You Listening?

Hanna’s birthday is coming up in a couple months. I wouldn’t normally even start thinking about planning it yet, but a friend of mine has this awesome site about kids theme parties. I was over there yesterday and got to thinking. I enjoy Hanna’s birthday but there are a few places where birthdays, especially kids birthdays get completely out of balance. I’m thinking if I’m going to stay in balance I’m going to have to think about this birthday more than a week ahead of time.

Hanna at her 3rd birthday party

Sweets

When I sent Hanna to school this year one of my biggest questions was about the food she’d be eating. (since she has two meals a day at school). I was assured they were nutritious meals planned by a nutritionist. Well… that’s completely debateable and it’s easy to see my “healthy” is not exactly her “healthy”. Anyway… what they didn’t tell me was that even though her class only has 17 kids in it there will somehow be a birthday every single day of the week. There will be a party for said birthday and it will include some crazy colored icing on a cupcake that will stain her face for the rest of the day.

So… wanting to be part of the solution I started thinking about different things we could do for her school party instead of cupcakes or sweets. My friend Elsie who runs the kid party site helped me come up with a few ideas including a sesame seed bar (if I want to still serve food). I also had in mind giving out little paper cups with plant seeds in them. That way they would have a gift that would keep on growing/giving. I would love some non sugar ideas for school if you have them!

Gifts

Hanna is an only child. I know she’s a little spoiled, but it mostly comes from people other than my husband and myself. (her grandma!). She has so many toys and things she doesn’t play with now it seems insane to have people bring her even more things.

Yes, we cull toys and give to charity before big holidays but the thing is… she doesn’t even usually end up playing with all the things she gets anyway. I was talking to a friend on the phone this morning and she told me a great idea to deal with this situation.

Have each guest of the party bring 2 one dollar bills. The birthday girl gets one. A charity gets the other. This way she feels special and she gets to give to others. With her money she could then go get something she’s really had her eye on that she really wants.

Now I know my mom is going to FREAK about this. She LOVES LOVES LOVES buying stuff for Hanna. But I think it’s a great idea and I’m going to broach the subject with her ahead of time to give her some time to prepare herself mentally lol.

Games and Party Stuff

I love a good birthday party. I don’t so much like hunting and digging through the internet to come up with fun games and party ideas. This is where Elsie came in as well. She’s going to create a “party pack” for me. She’s going to do all the research on games, invitations, fun stuff to do and send me all the directions. I enjoy the doing of the party stuff, I’m just not very creative in that way and don’t like hunting it all down. This is going to be great. If you want a party pack Elsie rocks at finding great ideas for all different kinds of party themes.

She’s hooking me up with this recipe for homemade paper with flower seeds in it. You can plant your invitation when you’re done instead of throwing it in the trash ~ how cool is that!!

With Elsie’s help I’m going to be able to focus on the things I enjoy, not do the things I don’t enjoy. I’m going to be able to stick with the things I value and not give into the things I don’t! I think I’m taking a big step toward keeping this whole party balanced!